I feel compelled to start by thanking everyone for their comments to my last writing. Funny, I started all this hoping to touch others and it took me taking a break in writing/sharing to understand the impact all this is having, as well as an added appreciation of the comments I’ve received from day one. Warms my heart!!
Today’s lesson surrounds around my connection to God. I have relearned that I cannot have a secure, intimate, close relationship with God at the same time I’m choosing to let anger, resentment and/or fear rule my emotions.
Another area the choice to feed judgment and negativity effects is my ability to look at my life with clear vision. I practice taking a daily inventory of my life, to do my best to keep my side of the street clean and make restitution where necessary. Believe me, I fall short of being perfect on this, every single day, day after day. But in making the effort, I know so much more about myself and am constantly learning more.
I’ve had this ongoing situation where I’m choosing to pick up stress, anger and resentments. Not intentional mind you. It’s been developing over the past couple weeks and although not exploding, has a pretty good boil to it. During this time I’m noticing a feeling of disconnect with God and my daily inventories seem more blaming and quietly attacking than a good view of my life and my part.
This past weekend I decided I didn’t want to go through this upcoming week feeling stressed out and angry. Even though I made the decision, those feelings stayed with my through the weekend and into Monday. I worked and the feelings were there. I went to the gym and they tagged along. After the gym I jumped in the shower (with the anger & resentment) before I headed out again.
As I was toweling, I had this feeling to sit for a few minutes. The feeling actually carried a ten minute period with it. I did. I sat in a chair in my bedroom. As I sat there, clarity came over me. I started to recognize the flowers in the backyard. Then I noticed the way the tress are starting to blossom. I even noticed the anger, fear and resentments being minimized. The more I let this feeling control my actions and thinking the more of my blessings came to mind. The highest thought I had was God speaking to me. Not an audible voice, but a feeling. You know the one, it comes from deep in the chest and instantly over-rides all thoughts. It said, “Everything, absolutely everything in life is going to be perfect. Just believe that”…
Now mind you, I didn’t ask for this. I wasn’t praying like mad for God to step in and fix something. As I stated, I was angry, pissed off and growing rapidly in resentments.
As I became more aware of my surroundings, I felt love more than any other feeling. Not suddenly, but in a smoothing kind of way, I could look back at over the past couple weeks and realize I have a lot going on. My son is graduating high school and moving in a couple months. I’m hosting his graduation party. I am about to put my house up for sale. My plans for my next step in life are not clearly showing themselves yet. On top of all this, I have been in the process of evaluating a long term relationship to determine its healthiness for all parties.
With all this whirling around at the same time, how could I possibly expect to have the ability (of my own accord) to take an accurate inventory? And If I’m unable to inventory myself, how can I keep a close connection to a life giving source?? It’s impossible. Ultimately, what I was doing was spending a majority of my work day stressed to the point that I haven’t been as active as I should be. I’ve been choosing fear in place of action towards the graduation party. I’ve been trying to stuff fear, instead of admitting it and letting it go. I’ve been acting somewhat honest, where people’s futures are being based on my words.
The final word I have to say about all this is Thank God that seeking for me doesn’t mean I go out and find. Seeking, to me, means I become open to… Open to receiving. Open to allowing. Open to paying attention to those little inner whispers that carry a direction and open to following that direction.