Today I’m receiving more depth in my understanding about forgiveness and even getting a haunch into unconditional love. In looking at forgiveness through my sight of ‘Owning My Crestorship’, the understanding of “why things are happening in my life” are showing up so much quicker than they ever have. And they are showing up with a knowing, compared to a sort of guessing. It isn’t a constant stream of excitement either. Sometimes it’s accompanied with emotions of sadness and loss and hurt and fear riding shotgun.
Thank God today I have tools to help me separate the emotions from the truths. Tools to help me process the emotions without having to sacrifice the lesson. It is a blessing to see which way to navigate at a fork in my path. It’s a double blessing to be able to stay on that path when it gets rough and emotions start trying to take over as pilot-in-command. I, like probably many of us, have spent a lot of time in my life making decisions out of it being easier, or less fearful over making the decision I knew to be the right one.
This next paragraph or so shows great testimony to my recent articles regarding forgiveness. For prior to my new understanding of “forgiveness is allowing the victum in”, I would not have been able to think, discuss or write about what I’m about the write about without anger being at the forefront of my mind. Anger strong enough to block my heart and soul!
Anyways, When I look at some highlights from my past, I stayed in a marriage for almost 20 years that had no business existing beyond the three year mark. There was a love of some sorts, the best we each knew love to be at the time, and the most precious trusted gift God could put in a man’s life. My son!
During this marriage there was a lot of hurt inflected, I’m sure from both sides, although my focus has always been on the receiving end. There were several times we met crossroads, facing the decision to go on separate and although I knew that would be best, it was so much easier to make the decision I/we made. There were things that happened that I won’t spend the words to mention specifics about. There was a separation at year 4 or 5, semi divorce proceedings not quite to completion and finally a one year divorce 2.5 years after the first attempt. By this time, we were approaching the 20th year anniversary.There was a nine year old boy who shut himself down to deal with the process. It was indescribably ugly. It was immensely fearful. It was completely heartbreaking…
I went through all of this, including allowing a nine year old boy to be affected because I wanted the easier decision. I drank myself into a DUI to deal with not wanting to make the harder decision. I said things to a human being that I now pray God had his ears covered because I wanted to make the easier decision. Do you see what I’m getting at? I ask you, the reader as well as my soul is asking me!
Based on my beliefs at the time about marriage & divorce, based on my inability to love myself, based on the amount of self-abuse I learned to absorb in order to keep things from changing, I would not, or could not have taken the tough steps towards the best decision. I had to choose the easier one. I chuckle as I’m writing this because I’m wondering if as a reader your thinking, “are you mad”? How could staying in something so dark & ugly be the easier decision??
Maybe your like me. Maybe you can scan back over your life and remember that BIG event where you brought so much hell onto yourself because you thought the other decisions that laid in front of you were more difficult to make, and keep! A time where you clearly came to rest at a crossroad. Clearly saw your available paths. Thought of each one independently from the other. Felt a sense of which one you were supposed to take… And than… made a conscious choice to go with the one that seemed easier, less emotional, less fearful for that moment, turned the wheel in that direction and stepped on the accelerator to move forward. If your like me, it turned into one of the most emotional roller coaster rides of your life!
The good news is that we are all supposed to go through these events in order to be who we are today. In fact, if you’ve been keeping up on my posts, you know that I believe we create these events in our lives in order to teach us who we are. We orchestrated every detail so we could go forward with more wisdom about ourselves. It is our growth mechanism bringing into our lives what we manifest so that we can grow, flourish and become one with our soul! The other people involved are only brining the message we are asking to be brought.
As I work forward on understanding forgiveness, unconditional love, my decision making process and my decision sticking process, I feel grateful for my previous wife ability to make the tough decision. To stick to and see that decision through that freed us as prisoners and has opened this awesome, amazing life I now get to be passionate about, write about, share and learn more about!!
I hope the person who needs to hear these words receives them. If you have, please let us know through your comment, or at least let me know at email@example.com. Completely confidential!
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